Public Grooming

Two great things that have yet to be combined: a sense of community, and good personal hygiene. Since I fail to see any sense in continuing this commentary without proposing a concept for such a combination, here it is: First, I will locate a lovely city park and pick out two trees within said park that have a fair amount of unobstructed distance between them. Then I will run a line of dental floss from one to the other, the vertical position of which matches that of the average adult’s mouth. With this in place, I will encourage members of the community to start their mornings off with a cleansing stroll along my public dental line. Together, folks will hook in tooth after tooth, step by step, until their mouths are completely flossed and ready for the day. Night flosser? No problem; the dental line glows in the dark for maximum ease of use during nighttime. Replacement of the floss will occur either daily or weekly, depending on the amount of tax dollars allocated to this program. Once this novel implement proves its success, more similarly spirited things will be installed such as the mile-long comb, the deodorant slide, and the pomade pool. Soon enough, nearly everything you can do in your bathroom can be done right here in the park, so let's do away with privacy and get public.